Signs You Are Single AF (Contains TMI and mature content…)
Are you lonely and single? Want to know some signs that you’re single af? Well, you’re in luck! Here are some signs you are single af. Enjoy…
Signs you are single af…
As my mother artfully put it, ‘The fact that you don’t have a fuckun boyfriend should be sign enough.’ She has a fair point. But in case that isn’t obvious enough, here are some less-so-apparent indications that your wonderful self currently has no partner in crime (shame). If you’re single af (like me), chances are, you’ve experienced several of these at some point:
Sign number one, your face scrunches up with disgust as you scroll through your Insta feed. Let’s be real: no one wants what they don’t have thrown in their face (unless you’re happily single, in which case, fair play to you). If you’re anything like me (read: single and bitter), then seeing your feed plastered with pics of lovey-dovey couples is not exactly ideal, at the best of times. When I’m feeling really petty, even a pic of two people standing a bit too close together can set me off – because, hello, when was the last time I had that much human contact?!
The most action you get is watching Fifty Shades of Grey on Netflix. I usually have some chocolate to keep me company; to counteract the bitterness. If you’re lucky, you even have a cheeky five-minute (sweaty) session under the covers with your trusty vibrator, afterwards. We’ve all been there.
You sometimes hate people because none of them will love you. You can’t tell me you’ve never experienced this one. Come on, there’s no need to pretend otherwise…
Valentine’s Day feels like a personal dig at your unending ‘singleness’. If you feel like you’ve not undergone this one, you’re deluding yourself.
You can never ‘just buy’ yourself a box of chocolates or a bouquet of flowers without reminding yourself that it could’ve been free, if you’d just bagged yourself a partner.
Your birthday is a horrible reminder that another year has gone past, and that your goal of marrying by the time you’re 27 is becoming more unrealistic by the day. If you’ve encountered this one, I feel you. Soon enough, I’ll be in my mid-twenties with no prospect of a husband or kids. It’s marvellous.
You dread the possibility of the family getting together, because you just know that you’ll be the twat sat there with no one by your side. Because, surprise, surprise, ALL of your younger siblings are in a relationship! Assholes.
You hate sex scenes with a burning passion.
You habitually list everything that might be wrong with you, until your list of ‘reasons’ becomes stupid. Mine goes something like this: It’s because my face is too ugly. Nah, it’s because my boobs are too small, or my figure is too boyish. I’m too quiet. That’s why, isn’t it?
All of these are semi-fair points. Until…
Nope, it’s definitely because my teeth are too small. I show too much gum when I smile. It’s off-putting. It’s because I occasionally dress like a granny, isn’t it? (No offense to grannies). I know! It has to be because I have a man-voice. Or, because my accent makes me sound thick.
It’s because I never leave the house, isn’t it?
I bet you didn’t see that last one coming… Don’t worry, I don’t see me coming, either (yeah, I went there!)
Despite this, we all have to admit being single is not without its pros. Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t always shit! If you’re single, chances are you’ve also experienced some of the following:
More signs you are single af
You’ve not shaved anywhere in weeks. And I do mean ‘anywhere.’ Personally, I find I’m less likely to make an effort to look good if I have no one to impress. This includes grooming. My standards are also lowww, so my appearance is going to hell, basically. But, fellow humans, there is a silver lining to this. I get to go ‘all out’ and display my hairy legs for the world to see! It’s quite liberating, actually. I should probably take the time to apologise to some other areas of my body (where a wax is long overdue), but…NAH.
Junk food is your lord and saviour. So, there’s really no need to eat it liberally. At all. Ever.
Netflix, Netflix, Netflix…and more Netflix. amirite?
You don’t have to worry about shocking your partner with your inevitably rancid morning breath. This isn’t anything other than a bonus.
Finally, for my curly-haired readers: you don’t have to tame your bedhead! Yes, I know I’ve already talked about appearances, but if you have really curly hair then taming it is a separate challenge. When I wake up, I legit look like I have been electrocuted (the perks of having an afro). Not a turn-on. BUT, when you’re single, you don’t have to worry about this! Isn’t it great???
So, those are my signs you are single af. How many did you tick off?
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